Darkness and then Light…

Well, it’s really hard to believe I am finally writing this.  I have been resisting doing a blog since my  diagnosis in 2006.  Frankly, it just seemed like another “cancer” thing to do.  I’m not sure why I have finally surrendered to it.  I don’t feel that enough people talk about the emotional side of cancer. It’s easy to talk about the physical limitations, but it takes courage to face your emotions, and even more courage to talk about them. So, I will start at the very beginning.

When I was diagnosed, I was alone.  I had been going to my family physician for over a year and he had misdiagnosed me with colitis.  After 2 ct scans he came in the room and told me I was correct…something was, in fact, wrong, very wrong.  CANCER!  The cancer had spread in many places.  Soon after that day, my depression began.  I think I had held it together for just so long and kept so busy with family and work.  It was as if the world collapsed and I fell in a very dark hole.  I had worked in the mental health field for many years and thought I knew a little about depression.  I was wrong.  I had almost no control over the darkness.  It was like an alien had taken over my body and I was somewhere living outside of my own body.  My personality traits went to the extreme opposite end.  For example, I had always been very independent and stubborn.  Now, I only felt afraid and withdrawn.  Although I had so many wonderful friends and family surrounding me, I felt so alone.  I would allow only a few people to visit.  I could not bear to hear about their normal life.  I just wanted my life back.  And most of all, I didn’t want to die…

Sound familiar?

Yes, I was in the darkness…but I’m happy to say I’m no longer there! I have decided not to settle for less than a life full of joy. I can honestly say I look forward to each day! I will be sharing with you the things I do and the “places” I have been in order to make this change and, most importantly, we will help each other each day.

This will be a safe place for you and me to share our true feelings and to be there for each other. May this be full of laughter, tears, and everything in between!

Patsy

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