A Broken heart…
My heart is heavy today and I feeling the emotion of sadness. A little of my history first. I envy people who can cry. I think crying is such a cleansing way of releasing so many emotions. As you know, I believe strongly in using all the tools we have to deal with emotions, so it’s been hard for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the ability to cry since my diagnosis in 2006. I have tried watching sad movies to no avail. It has been hard because I have seen so much sadness and been at the side of many women and their families at a time of suffering and death. There have been times that I actually felt as if I were going to explode with emotions. I have experienced sadness as a sort of numbness.
Let me digress a minute. As I mentioned in my last post, I love this holiday season. It’s a time of year that I really practice the following strategies that I have worked very hard to learn since my diagnosis of cancer:
1. PACE myself – I have to do this in everything I do from walking to decorating for the holidays.
2. check in with myself to make sure I am spending time with the people I love – I also find I have to be more patient with my expectation of others if I am not a priority for them. For example, I have a group I get together with every year for a holiday celebration. This year we just could not find a date that everyone could attend. I, of course, thought to myself that this could possibly be my last one and was disappointed. I had to remind myself that my friends that do not live in the cancer world do not think this way. I’m working on this and would love some advice from you.
3. keep my basic routine.
4. try to avoid scheduling too many medical appointments.
5. listen to my body and rest when I am tired.
6. get out each day and do something I enjoy.
So, you’re probably wondering, “what does this have to do with your broken heart?” Well, someone I love is not feeling well. I wish I could share more but I choose not to because I strongly believe privacy is an important part of respecting the feelings of those I love. But, I will share that I have cried this week and felt a great sadness. I am so blessed to be married to a husband that understands. I have experienced a lot of loss in my life, even before cancer, and tend to move too quickly past emotional pain. He reminded me recently to allow myself to feel the hurt and be kind to myself and to lean on him. How did I ever get so lucky to find a guy like that? So, I am trying to do so and using my strategies above. I’m experiencing this while I am trying to also balance my commitment that I mentioned in my last post to not let cancer rob me of the joy of this holiday. I have learned that the two are not conflicting emotions, but, in fact, are very necessary in loving life. I have also learned that self-care isn’t just a nice thing to read about but that it is imperative in finding joy and reclaiming it if you are in a time of sadness.
Thank you for being there for me today and cherish yourself…you are important to me…
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