prefer funky to funk…

I continue to believe the hardest part of writing a blog about emotions is sharing the very personal, “downer” emotions I experience.  I thought long and hard about this when I was considering writing a blog and decided that I would need to commit to being transparent to my readers.  Well, this post is one of them.  A little history of why this is so hard for me.  I am a hibernator when I feel discouraged.  I’m not a very good “phone chatter” anyway and even worse when I am down.  I really can’t think of things to say to others and find that my conversations are either awkward or I try to act like things are what they aren’t and that’s pretty much impossible for me.  So, I just retreat.   Do any of you experience this?

Like so many survivors, I have the added pressure (that I put on myself) of remembering that every day is so incredibly precious and that wasting any time is a no-no.  That ‘ole positive attitude myth doesn’t help me at all on days like this.

Why am I feeling low?  Who knows?  I know I’m a warm weather gal and convinced my mood will lift when this cold passes.  Between the polio and avastin side effects , I can get pretty darn tired of aches.  A lot of my funk is missing my sweet friend, Ruth.  She could always make me smile and we spent so much time together.   So many people have told me that I need to find a balance in being around “cancer.”  I know that losing so many friends is difficult.  I have worked hard on this; however, I have found that lately I’ve spent more time giving and less about receiving.  Plus, there’s so much that needs to be done if I am going to find a cure for cancer in my lifetime 🙂

Well, that’s me opening my heart up today.  What’s going on in yours…

Patsy

5 Comments

  1. Stephen Davis

    I am also very very sad about Ruth, she was someone quite special. I don’t know how you could bear as many other losses that you have had. I feel guilt for just having survived Katherine, Pat, Lana, Ann and Ruth.

    For me, it is also complicated to think about life without cancer or treatment (as I seem to be at right now) and at the same time to know that it could become life with cancer at almost any moment. And now I have to adjust to the funkiness of getting old with the losses that come with advancing age. I lost 4 good years and resent it. And yet, I am also embarrassed to be so ungrateful for the cancer and chemo free year that I have just had. What an emotional muddle.

    Funky is right.

    Ruth

    Like

  2. Willamina Sugg

    You’re grieving. Don’t feel bad about that. It’s a process so take it day by day.

    Like

  3. Alicia Logsdon

    Patsy I am so glad that you are writing this blog. The fact that you open up and share your emotions humbles me and alway, always makes things a little clearer for me. I can appreciate what you are saying about hibernating. When I have raw emotions I want to curl up in a corner and figure things out, or just let things rest until I have an understanding of how I really feel. Talking to someone that needs answers to me is very challenging, what do you really say to them? Are my words better, more comforting or can my words be enough?I guess inadequate comes to mind.

    Like

  4. I find that blogging helps a lot and you certainly owe nothing to explain anything. We share in this process with you the loss of your friend Ruth.

    It IS difficult to describe feelings…..You feel how you feel. There is no such thing as how you “should feel”.

    Peace and blessings

    Like

  5. Patsy,

    I can sooo relate to your post. I also isolate when I am troubled, and I seem to feel troubled all the time lately. A lot of it has to do with dealing with the recurrence, but it also has to do with missing Ruth and the many others like my cousin Shirley, who has new grandchildren she will never meet. I love you and want you to know you can call me any time. I know you didn’t ask for advice but I found that making friends outside of the cancer “community” was important to me, as well. I was very fortunate to find an awesome Sunday School class I have become involved in. Also,it is okay to take a break and “receive” sometimes. It’s hard for people like us who feel like we need to do SOMEthing to eradicate this monster. But if we wear ourselves out we won’t be able to accomplish anything for anyone, even ourselves.

    Can we do lunch some time soon?

    *hug*
    Sharon

    Like

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